something about knowing when to stop talking

As with anything written here, this will very much be a scenario in which it's up to you to decide who, when, and where this could be relevant for you, if at all. I'm not one for maintaining a "customer service" voice or affect, but this particular realization likely isn't needed for the people you are very close with and may only be relevant when donning such a hat. 

A former staff member of mine once became incredibly flustered in dealing with a project manager and a contractor we were engaged with. To make a long story short, there were delays in getting a sizable payment out to them for work that was already completed. It was entirely appropriate for the contractor to be frustrated and demanding to know what the status was. This staff member of mine had sent a wall of text email to the project manager and then separately to the contractor's management explaining the handful of reasons that there could be a delay. 

Every time I received an additional email from this former staff member, I, too, became increasingly frustrated with them. They were one of the more senior members and absolutely knew better and was one, reluctant to own their own mistakes, and two, inundating our contacts with superfluous correspondence. On top of it all, they would call me, call the project manager, send an email, and then show up in my doorway with a five-minute monologue recounting everything that I had just read and discussed. It would have almost been funny, if they didn't know better. 

I was never cruel to them and in fact used the necessary patience it took to deal with them as a means of incorporating my work with my therapist (to be more understanding) into my actual life. But lord was it a trying ordeal. Anyway, after another barrage of emails, they came into my office and I stopped them before another rant could begin. I said:

I understand you're trying to be helpful. But these people are looking for a three-million dollar check. They don't care to see a laundry list of reasons as to why they don't have it. They just want it. Please do what you can do on your end to expedite a resolution. Keep them in the loop. But to them, it looks like we're just stalling. Giving them a dozen reasons as to maybe why they don't have it, makes it looks like we have zero idea as to why it's not there. We can discuss that internally and with the project manager if that's the case, but we don't need to spin our wheels while holding hands with the frustrated client. If you're trying to return something to Amazon and are being given the runaround, don't you just want a resolution? You don't want to be troubleshooting with some stranger over the phone. 

Fortunately, I could see the lightbulb go off. They claimed that they understood, though within a week they were already failing to understand another task that had been a part of their job duties for four years... but that's another migraine for another time. 

Beyond moving past the frustration of this situation, I did take some realizations away for myself. When I was younger, and even more recently, I've always had a rather bad and unintentional habit of putting my foot in my mouth, of absolutely needing to have the last word in a contentious situation, and it leading to disastrous effects and unnecessary pain for myself and others. I know I will definitely talk more on this matter in the future, but this is a tiny, low-stakes example. I've always tried to be polite, especially to colleagues and staff, but in this situation it would have been very easy to slip into the territory of rude remarks and visible disappointment. I didn't let that happen. 

Sometimes, you didn't need that last hook to make yourself heard. Not every situation calls for a mic drop, or a low blow. Most don't. Sometimes you just need to take a step back and reassess it all on your own, whether it's taking a breather during a disagreement, or internally troubleshooting something with your coworkers and boss before reaching out to your wider audience. Or not acting with irritation when a loved one isn't immediately understanding you. 

Sometimes the things you don't say are just as important as all that you do.