something about apologies

There's been so much said about holding onto grudges being poison for both parties or for couples to never go to bed angry. Tired cliches, you know the deal. There is truth in these, of course, but over the years and in this process of mine, I've realized something that I had never considered. Or at least hadn't given the proper amount of thought. I guess that's the beauty of talking to a professional. They broadside you with realizations. 

Forgiveness and reconciliation should always be the objective in matters between two people who care about one another, but seeking it prematurely can lead to even worse off results in the long run.

Even when I had not yet gotten a grip on my mental health, I always tried to play peacemaker. It was much easier to do when I was the mediating third person instead of the guilty party. Seeing everyone happy made me happy. My friends had sometimes called me diplomatic. I always reflect on a particular instance in usage of the word "camaraderie" that meant a lot to me (if my repetition of the story is any indication). When I made people feel that way, that was the kind of person I liked most to be. It wasn't always achievable, especially when I was the source of such friction, but when it worked out for everyone, sitting in the bask of agreement and contentedness for everyone was bliss. 

But in seeking this kind of outcome, I now realize that I could rush an artificial peace. Just because you discussed something doesn't always mean that an understanding was achieved. Just because cooler heads prevailed, doesn't mean that everyone was truly past the damage. You cannot rush that. When something like this happens, you cannot put a band aid over the issue and then move past it, thinking it resolved. That was absolutely a shortcoming of mine. Even if I was sincere, hearing someone out and making a checklist of things to resolve, and committing to them, there was never nearly enough time to actually work these things out. I could promise anything, but if I didn't spend the time processing what had led to it, the remedies would never last very long. It was incredibly easy to create solutions healing symptoms for, but never the source and cause of, whatever disease I was responsible for. 

I distinctly remember falling in love with the Decemberists' album Hazards of Love during the dark days. I think a big part of why I loved the album was because I dubbed it, "the story of a man who promises too much to too many and drowns." I certainly was the dramatic type. 

Going further, I realize how I perpetuated this lack of understanding on the other side of the coin. Like I said, finding an amicable middle ground was always the goal in tense situations. But it would lead to inorganic forgiveness when I was just trying to move towards peace. I recall a situation years ago in which a fledgling relationship was founded on shaky grounds, myself and this person having a laundry list of things that weren't pleasant to discuss or experience in our personal histories. It was easy to talk about these things as if they were in the past, because they mostly were. It was positive and I think we both felt that it helped create what we thought was a strong foundation in the new relationship. 

Time went by. I caused my own issues in the relationship, but this example is what led me to write these thoughts down. This former partner was keeping up with their own personal matters and seeking help as I am doing now. One day, they come to me really upset and needing to get something off their chest. It was about something they had discussed in therapy. We have a heart to heart and I'm expecting some urgent, severe matter. But they said that one of the major stories we had shared when we were first dating was founded on a lie. A traumatic experience that they had built up in their past never actually happened, or at least not to the extent that they had posed. 

I remember hearing this out and then ending with, "... that's it?" I brushed it off without concern at all. There was no immediate danger. They weren't in trouble or hurt or anything. It was something in the past. We may have even laughed about it. But in seeking to jump to that point of peace, I may have caused lasting damage without even realizing it. 

You see, I didn't think it was a big deal at the time. But your mind and body don't lie when they're finally unclouded and healthy. This transgression could have been remedied with further conversation and contemplation on why they had felt the need to tell such a story in the first place. Perhaps it would have hurt the relationship then, but it would have made things more honest, for one. Instead, I had taken the easy way out. This person didn't deserve the aloofness that later occurred, but I think I certainly made it worse by not addressing it at the time. Because then, going forward, I still allowed this "lie" to linger. I was terrible at being present with them. I had refused to actually address and process that incident, and now my future interactions were tainted with the mark of not always acting urgently. I may have thought that anything couldn't be that bad, because that previous "big bad" wasn't much of anything. 

It wasn't a conscious decision. I wasn't focused on holding this over their head, but in hindsight, that's a part of why I had acted that way and with such distance. I didn't want them to suffer for it, but that's ultimately what happened. I didn't think I held it against them, but in not processing it, subconsciously I might have. This particular situation wasn't the only example in this realm. Other partners and friends have similarly shattered the foundation of our relationships with critical lies about their own experiences, health issues, and more. Almost none of the relationships have ever properly recovered. In those instances, I also never took the time to process the reality of the situation when the truth came out. I was too easy going over concerns that actually mattered and too absent in actually being open with the people who mattered. 

So, I am again reminded of the grudges and poison proverb: hanging on to a resentment, someone once said, is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill the other person. I think the same can be said about an artificial or rushed apology. 

Don't accept an apology for something that you do not understand wholly and certainly don't allow the misgivings that led to the apology linger over your relationships. Treat an apology like an entire statement. You don't have to accept it, but if you do, don't let resentment build on the outcome without at least continuing the dialogue with the person who upset you.