something about continuing studies

Every so often, I think about friends and relatives going through their own education. Not that hard to when you see loved ones celebrating a graduation. Whether its for professional ambitions or following up on programs that they had to abandon earlier on in life, I empathise with their journey and generally think to myself: I couldn't imagine doing that now. There were so many courses that made the whole experience worthwhile, but after going through the public school system, college, and then graduate school, I couldn't fathom doing it "all" again. So many dreaded courses in weaker subjects. So much time spent on the building blocks of things I may not have been interested in. It was a long, long process and I'm glad I finished. I'm glad it's done. But I don't think that should mean we ever stop learning. 

Accountants and doctors are both required to keep up with contemporary advancements to be able to keep doing their work. Teachers regularly have educational seminars promoting modern theory and advice. You may not have to do so professionally, but think about your hobbies or personal interests. Isn't the time spent on them doing just that? Continuing to hone your knowledge or skills? Especially when you have a named diagnosis or at least an awareness of something gone awry with your body or mind, I've been thinking about how that requires a similar regimen. 

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar, it provided a ton of clarity in that initial awareness. Emotions and actions that I felt uncomfortable or horribly confused about since I was a teenager stood out. "Sure, you don't know why you felt that, or said that, or acted that way, but for some of them, maybe you now know why you did something you regretted or said something that you didn't mean." It was never an excuse, but laid the groundwork in some places. Great. Now what? 

Having a name or a new lens to see the past through could (and did) provide clarity, but that doesn't do you much good if you don't proactively work to mitigate similar things happening again. When I saw and thought about the things that still upset me or the things that I did that hurt others, that was the very first step. I had to then apply myself and this knowledge, get it all out on the table, and go from there. Through medication and psychotherapy, that process was started. Now, here I am two years later. So what am I going on about? 

I think it's important to keep certain things in perspective if you are working towards similar goals. When I first started, I read about ways that these types of conditions were handled and what tended to work for others. I developed relationships with my medical professionals and doctors, creating a system that worked for me. What I realised though, was that through their customised and attentive care, that was now solely for me and my journey. It was no longer about learning about and combating bipolar two, it was about me. And that's good, but it leaves out other important things. In this line of thinking, it all circled back to then bolstering the stuff that I needed to keep doing for my own issues. 

What I'm getting at is: I found it beneficial to learn the basics of what they were telling me, and then commit wholly to their recommendations. Once I found that that was working, I was now able to take a step back and look at the condition and treatment with an objective view. I'm not sure how applicable this would be if their treatment wasn't working for me (or for you, if you're trying to see how this would apply to your situation), but I fortunately do not have to dwell on that right now. Having spent time in a beneficial program, I decided to start from square one and read up on the mental illness from the start, on my own, again. 

Since I was thinking about continuing studies and my loved ones in school and the other professions I mentioned, I broadly searched for online lessons and courses related to mental illness. I struck gold by finding a few about bipolar specifically. At this point, I considered myself an expert (I say that mostly joking) but was curious what such a lesson would look like or if I thought it could help others who were previously in my position. I'm glad to say that I found some that I did think would help others, but also that it provided me with unforeseen benefits. 

Sometimes, going back to the basics gives you clarity on things you might have grown accustomed to. 

I could have gotten so caught up in my current counselling sessions and focusing on this week's topic of discussion that I no longer operated under the framework of the diagnosis that had gotten me here. I screenshot'd a few slides from these silly online courses that I saw myself in. It was both humbling and yet provided some reassurance that I was doing the right thing. It reminded me of things that I had originally put to the side, as well as reminded me of things that I had managed to keep up on, actively. 

But what really stuck out to me was something that was regarded as the number one most critical error to avoid when suffering through mental illness: isolation. 

From the beginning, this was something that I knew I struggled with. A good friend who gave me the final push to start seeking help was the same person who, years ago, told me that I internalise bad things. At the time, it was said as a positive, in that I do not let such negativity affect a group of friends and loved ones and instead may try to shoulder things alone, but I realise now that I took it to an unhealthy level. When I needed help or support, I tried to do it by myself, and generally failed. In the past, when people I cared about needed help, I instead turned away. In certain situations, I'm sure a part of it was feeling that that's how I would have wanted to have been treated. In others, I know it was a failing of mine, of thinking that my own issues were more important, or by mentally diminishing the sensitivity of something they were dealing with. 

Either way, I was able to see myself again, now two years into treatment, in these bare-bones, introductory courses on mental illness. It was sobering. It made me feel a little silly. But it told me that I was still, now, finally, continuing to do the right thing. With the support of family and friends (both very old and very new), creative partners, and medical professionals, I refused to allow myself to isolate in this process. 

I guess the real message behind this rant is to keep perspective on things that are important to you. Even if you think that you're doing really well and excelling in whatever it is you're pursuing, take a step back and relearn what you've done up until that point. Think about where you were when you started. Look at the same materials (as well as fresh ones) that had originally started you on your path. See what still rings true to you. See what you may now feel differently about. But keep at it. 

They may even give you goofy certificates for it.