something about assumptions

These posts aren't meant to be bulletproof pieces of advice, merely explanations of how I've come to conclusions about certain things and why I'd might give certain advice. Sometimes the stories that led up to certain outlooks can appear as a series of setbacks culminating in giving up, but I'm not sure that's always accurate. I see it more as protecting one's peace and oneself. The easy way shouldn't be the default, but sometimes avoiding unnecessary suffering is the best option. Especially when you've had your share of needless suffering, both brought on by others and dealt to others by your own actions.

At its core, this text involves struggling under the weight of others' own ruminations and simply choosing not to engage with it. It involves the mixed feelings and the hurt in realising that people that you thought knew you and how you operate have an entirely different image of how you think and feel. And act. 

Generally, I write these thoughts and post them as contemporary. Very rarely do I sit on them for a future post. However, as I was personally upset about the interaction that prompted this post, I did just that. I never want to allow myself to solidify temporary anger as something permanent. That's what I interpret writing as. Sure, there are reasons to vent without the least consideration for others, but I do genuinely want something positive to be taken from these, and don't think that lashing out and setting it in stone is necessarily the way to go about it. So, most of this is still the unrevised version of that text, but I've added any additional thoughts about the topic since then in italics. 

I'll start with a much less dramatic and lower-stakes story from my childhood. 

When I was younger, a relative was excited about something, like visibly shaking in anticipation. They asked members of my family that were staying with one another what seemed to be a hypothetical. They asked, "if you could do anything in the world this weekend, what would it be?" Now even as a kid, I knew that this was a loaded question and if they were hoping for any sort of realistic response to this, they were sorely mistaken. Around the table this went, with the responses mostly consisting of, "oh, I don't know, dear..." and whatnot. And with every such response, the visible excitement in the asker waned. Eventually, it got to the speaker's spouse and they were frustrated with the whole thing and basically said, "out with it then!" 

This misguided, but well-meaning, relative was nearly in tears when they said that they won hotel accommodations down the shore for the weekend and could take everyone. I think they excused themselves to go cry, in self-pity or anger I don't know. Even then, I knew that adults weren't perfect and had whole worlds of issues that they nor I would ever entirely understand, but I don't think that this was anything as significant as a mental health episode or something tangible like that. I genuinely believe it was all sincere and that this relative was so excited that they worked themselves up (or deluded themselves) to believe that everyone else present would share in their eagerness, even if they hadn't previously said a single word about Atlantic City, to anyone, to inspire the idea for a weekend trip. 

Who in the world would give their hypothetical genie wish to go to fucking Atlantic City? 

The above was an entirely accurate, verbatim story.

I didn't understand it then, but I realized that people could conceivably brew up an entire conversation and its direct responses and reactions before ever even approaching the subject and the people involved. I knew that I could imagine social situations and routinely did, but to see an adult so eagerly swing for the fences on their own version of this mental exercise, and immediately fail to meet their own expectations so severely, was significant enough to me in that moment that I can still recall it decades later.

Now that was a rather silly example of someone building up their own happiness, assuming it would be shared by others, and not expecting the lukewarm reception that they then receive. Now what would happen if that person had had to wait hours or days to ask their question? Would the rejection be that much more powerful, having had to wait? Or would the person eventually reason themselves down in the interim and not be bothered? Keep that trepidation in mind. 

There's no objective telling, but I do recognize two components here: the person's own desires and their perception of the people that they care about. That perception is absolutely influenced by their own desired outcome of the situation. 

 As with all of these texts, there is of course the opposite end of the spectrum. The next story isn't about unrequited enthusiasm, but something closer to anger. For lack of a better word, a group of friends, and friends of friends, were having a disagreement about something that had upset them all in different ways. I was on one end and "friends of friends" were on the other. Knowing it was a contentious issue, I offered my thoughts and stepped back, for both their sake and my own, until further discussion was actually sought. Time went on. 

But then, weeks later, a friend who was acting as an intermediary and shoulder to cry on for various matters, came to me upset and almost distraught. There had been no follow up conversation about the disagreement in that interim. A levy of perceived failures and assumptions were thrown my way and they spoke in disappointment. This came as a surprise as I had not weighed in on anything since the initial "cooling off." I said as much and while they took this receptively, they were still obviously upset and we again parted ways to once again cool off. But as the situation settled and I processed what just happened, I myself became a bit agitated over the whole ordeal. I would not lash out at them in particular, because I recognized that they were just reacting to what they knew as the truth. But they claimed that I was alright having others speak and lash out for me in this disagreement and had no problem with others "doing my dirty work." I was astounded and that was what eventually turned into anger. Obliviously just existing elsewhere to avoid further hurting feelings, I was receiving all of the vitriol as if I had just kept my head in the hornets' nest, spitting venom. It was incredibly frustrating. 

Having noted who exactly was apparently speaking in my stead, I told those people to not continue doing so and why it bothered me so much that they did. In the past, when I got really upset, I would isolate. Broadly, I've done a better job of not doing that, but when it's something that I did that hurt or upset others, I still keep my distance. I don't wage shadow arguments or ask that others do so for me, or undermine what others have said. In this one instance, I had only confided in one friend completely removed from the situation. To have this (apparently discrediting and undermining what I had already said and left on the table) recounting about me, then told to me, was like a migraine. I want to turn it back to the overarching theme here. 

This friend of mine had been observing and dealing with this argument that involved multiple mutual friends and plenty of others growing ugly. They witnessed me say my part and then leave, but then this toxicity continued, with or without me. I did what I thought was right, by walking away when I knew I had nothing constructive to offer. But however long it took between my departure and their confrontation with me, the frustration of the whole ordeal could have been brewing. I guess that's one example of what it would look like for someone to have to sit with and meditate on negative assumptions. 

In summation, I don't really know what advice to give in this specific example. In comparing the two stories, I do recognise a pattern that I'm only quantifying and writing here now after the fact, but I think it follows a template. A structure for best dealing with contentious conversations and hurt feelings. 

Something like: perceive, acknowledge, discuss, and distance. When someone comes at you making assumptions, for better or worse: perceive what it is they're saying in the first place. Right or wrong, ensure that you understand what they are then saying and acknowledge it so you're on the same page. Then if it's something sorely inaccurate or that you disagree with, discuss it. If it's merely something that they assumed, explain what you may have also assumed, or correct the matter. Affirm what your intentions were. Then let it cool, whether it was a positive conversation or not. You will reach a line where, if it's negative, no more talking can do anyone any good. 

This really only applies for people you care about and want to ensure feel heard.

Pick your battles, people. Especially the important ones. 

The distancing part is what is most crucial for me, after of course making sure you both understand where the other is coming from. If you made yourself heard and there's no sense in belaboring a point, I don't think it does any good to keep dwelling on the matter. In my experience, it just frustrates everyone involved. That may not be your experience. But as the second story shows, you have to ensure you don't allow for more commentary from outsiders to hinder your message. Own your mistakes. Correct the record where appropriate. Do the right thing, state that, and don't let other speak for you. To me, personally, there is no greater irritation in the world than having someone else put words in your mouth. 

Now I acknowledge that walking away doesn't always solve things and it certainly isn't helpful if it's premature. You don't want to just run away from your problems. I am not encouraging that at all. But with how much stress everyone deals with every day, there is no reason to continue carrying water for matters that you have already spoken on. If people remain hurt in a disagreement, continue coming back for constructive discussions, if that door is open. But stay away when you are not invited. 

If you care about people, make sure you actually work your issues out. But likewise, don't twist yourself in knots if you have no more words to describe what you're feeling. I've done that too many times. I've also begged for more words from someone who had given all they could offer, as well. It's a fool's errand and up to you to know when to stop. You need to rest for a chance to breathe and you cannot squeeze water from a stone. Take it from this barren quarry. 

I don't feel nearly as glum these days as the ending implies. But it was a very real feeling for a lot of the last decade of my life.