something about healing at your own pace

This has been a topic on my mind for almost as long as I've been maintaining this blog, but I hadn't dedicated as much concentrated thought on it. Having had the time and discussing it a bit in therapy, I think I have some slightly better words for how I am feeling on it. This goes for any endeavor you are undertaking, but I have been thinking about the expectations you should set for yourself, and healing and doing the work at your own pace. 

I first thought of this topic when I was thinking about the various hyper-fixations and projects, both seen to fruition and abandoned, over the years. I tied this to my self-help and the process of going through therapy and seeing a psychiatrist and comparing any parallels and patterns that may have been there. 

Learning about the bipolar two diagnosis, and digging into the broad topic of neurodiversity, has led me to come to a few ways of processing many significant events in my life. Here, I was trying to reassess these in that light. I thought about how obsessively and wholly I threw myself into that month's interest and how it affected those around me. 

It was mostly harmless, when I was young. There were economic philosophies, religious thoughts, or even video games, that took over my life. I had to learn about everything about the topic, all at once, and see if it was a good fit to paste over my existence. I didn't know it at the time, but a lot of it was a means of trying to simply live a better, happier life. Taking a step back, I still do it to a certain extent, but don't allow it to automatically be my de facto way of existing. My therapist said that she was proud of how I now approach this dedication towards living a better life and how I want to appreciate others in the process. It sounds silly and basic but provided me some comfort in my trying. I know that I had let the consideration completely miss me in my own past. 

But, of course, in these introspections, I also tried to fairly apply it to those around me, as well. 

In a past relationship, I had definitely failed in maintaining my own mental health, never bothering to determining if there was someone off. I never tried to live better, I simply accepted that those feelings that I bore in those "lowest lows" were simply reality. I grabbed on and took people I loved down with me. In one instance, an ex was no longer comfortable with that miserable codependence, and sought to improve themselves, admirably. But, at the time, I wasn't along for the ride. 

I'm not imparting any blame whatsoever, but I can now, in hindsight, see how they were taking what they were learning, and immediately pasting over their established routine. It was admirable, but I was absolutely not on the same page. Their pace did not match mine, at all. In that respect, by the time I felt the direness of the situation, I felt as if I had catching up to do, which would create further friction. 

I should have started earlier. But by arriving to a breaking point and feeling the need to catch up, I understand why my attempts were perceived as dishonest. At least, that's how I interpret it. There were discussions around adopting a cat. At first, I thought it was unreasonable, due to already having another large pet. I didn't take the continued attempts at communicating their want as reasonable. Eventually, I saw how important it was to them. Reality slapped me in the face when I saw my brother and his wife take in a cat. They already had three large dogs. I felt stupid. So, I decided my reservations were selfish and shortsighted and agreed to look at kittens for adoption. This rapid change induced whiplash. And I accept that. 

There were ongoing conversations, even before they started on their path of self-improvement, about me being reserved in sharing hard emotions. I had been content in existing in that self-imposed trench. What was the worth of sharing in even harder conversations, when existence was miserable enough? We had started couple's therapy and I, my own journey. At its core, that's having those tough conversations and opening oneself up. That change and application to our interpersonal issues were likewise neck breaking in their night and day adjustments. After having cried in front of them for the first time, it was seen as manipulative. It was disheartening, but I do understand it now. 

Having had literal years of therapy and a medicinal regime now, I understand the need to be open with your partner, if a truly dedicated relationship is your goal and dynamic. In my relationship now, within a few months of it, I allowed myself to cry in front of my girlfriend when my old roommate's cat had passed away rather suddenly. We shared an intimate video call with my roommate and their partner, as well as another good friend and former roommate, and it was a humbling, touching moment. My girlfriend was there for support, and I will always cherish that moment. Years ago, I would have taken the call, hidden away, to suffer in silence. 

I suppose the intent of all of this is to take time to recognize your own pace in embracing changes and let those be known to the important people around you. If you are prone to boundlessly diving into hyper-fixations, perhaps it won't be so shocking to others when you are taking on significant matters with such gusto. But don't allow yourself to silo off these important changes. Even if it means appearing silly when you're embracing one thing this month, and you're onto the next thing later. 

Like Ron Swanson said, "don't half ass two things, whole ass one thing." The dedication you show to self-improvement and strengthening relationships hopefully will not come as a shock to the people around you. If they do, be patient with them. Understand why your behavior confuses them and guide them through it. If they don't accept it, so be it, but do it as your honest, best self. 

Something that my therapist recently discussed was called "radical acceptance." It seems to be something that is embraced early on in the rehabilitation process, in the triage stages, where you accept the situation you are in, and do not judge events as good or bad, but simply as they exist. We discussed that, in the beginning of my process, I seemed to have followed that route, although I did not have the proper words at the time. Back then, I called it, "being okay with not being okay." If I did, maybe it would have been easier to explain those changes to the people around me. But I didn't. My only option now is to accept that. You cannot change the past; you can only use the experience to make your future (and that of those important to you) healthier.