thoughts about strangers

Since writing about my experiences with our creative work, I've been thinking about a lot of the people we interacted with over the years. As always, this doesn't apply to the friendships we've made that will last a lifetime, but rather that vague, nebulous, and anonymous world out there, that is always trying to get in. 

I'm reminded of a quote. 

“You spend more time trying to impress people who don’t like you, than you spend with people who love you for who you are.” — Brianna Wiest

Comparing the reality I lived with, compared to the steps I've taken during and since the pandemic, has been sobering. 

Being an open book and accessible by anyone, at any time, felt liberating at first. But since that period during the tail-end of the pandemic, where I cut off many means of direct messaging from strangers, well it has been critical to my mental health. And that was even before I started addressing my own issues head on. 

I think back to 2010 and the decade that followed. Due to ignoring my own mental health red flags, I never protected myself from saying "no." Ever. "FOMO" wasn't a word yet, but that definitely had something to do with it, and I was always willing to accommodate anyone who asked. Strangers and friends alike. I'll never regret going along with friends, but I was far too accommodating with bad-faith actors. People who wanted something. People who wanted me to provide something. And I always obliged. 

I spread myself way too thin. I lost track of many important friendships and began feeling obligated to so many people who were really, basically, only ever mean to me. I definitely got what I gave and got what I deserved. In that process, I became reclusive from actual family and friends. I became flighty and dismissive to people checking in on me. I would take reassurance and what I thought was friendship from anyone who managed to break through that wall. Some of them were good people and I'll always have love for them to this day. But I attracted a whole hell of a lot of bad in that period too. See, when you cast a wide net out for any sort of affirmation, you never know what you might drag back in.

And I had to perform. I had to know that these people accepted me and "liked" me. This was broadcasted twice as loud when social media really began proliferating. I would, in my mind, have to mediate and interject on conversations that weren't directed to me. I took their bait, too easily. Many troublemakers wanted me to engage, with direct negging, or loudly mischaracterizing something my friends and I either produced or said. It was exhausting. It was relentless. And I was chained at the hip. 

I am truly thankful to the good people that made me feel appreciated during that period, probably 2010-2016. But the bad ones... good lord, I am trying to be a better and more understanding person, but it's hard not to feel pure anger at their arrogance and interjection. I've done a good job at moving past them and their period of too-much influence at this point, but of course a few snakes remain visible. Pure proximity will not allow all tethers to be broken easily, but keeping my distance is not hard to do anymore, knowing the path I'm on now for myself and my loved ones. Those others dealt lasting damage, I'll admit. 

People come and go. When I was at my lowest, I allowed myself to engage with people who were bad for me, or not in a position to "help" me. Or I, them. There's sympathy for people who looked to me for help. There's anger at myself for allowing myself to feel bound to assist anyone that appeared. I was not capable. And there's pure derision for the bad people who took advantage. I wish I could have grabbed onto my friends in that era and remained in their proximity, but that wasn't always the case. Instead, I can only appreciate their love today, or memories of those people or times far away.

And I thankfully can never feel bound to nurture a savior complex ever again.