ramble on

As part of my daily reading, I have a grounding morning of quotes and introspections I go through. This recently leapt out at me:

"Whenever someone has done wrong by you, immediately consider what notion of good or evil they had in doing it. For when you see that, you'll feel compassion, instead of astonishment or rage. For you may yourself have the same notions of good and evil, or similar ones, in which case you'll make an allowance for what they've done. But if you no longer hold the same notions, you'll be more readily gracious for their error." - Marcus Aurelius, MEDITATIONS

A friend and I recently had a conversation in this realm. I truly believe that no one wakes up wanting to be "evil," or wanting to hurt others. I know I certainly don't. But I simultaneously know that I have done that in the past, no matter the intentions or even if I thought I was going about things the right way. Something I've been reading up a lot about, and seeing firsthand in other personal accounts regarding bipolar and bipolar two, is the manifestation of symptoms (mania) resulting in shortness and irritation when going through it. 

When I first learned about the diagnosis and tried to see myself in it, it was really easy to identify mania in the "good" ways it appears. Incredible bouts of productivity, tons of inspiration, the desire to show the world something, spiraling plans and wanting to start new projects... but somehow, I missed this irritation as a part of the equation. Locking myself in a room for a month to write a book is a lot more tangible of a manic episode, rather than a few days of irritation that I had chalked up to stress, my apparent struggles with OCD or overstimulation, and the like. Having had no treatment or consideration of any of these, I let these issues compound for years, hurting people and ruining many relationships along the way, from platonic to romantic, from casual to creative partnerships... whenever things came to a head, I always told myself that this was just the way things were. There were multiple points of personal failings. 

Something I've briefly touched upon previously is the concept of a "dry drunk." That's someone who may have gotten a hold of the chemical addiction side of alcoholism, but fails to manage the behavioral and emotional aspects of it. In the near decade since getting clean, I had neither handled that component of the process, or took the steps in realizing that I had poorly dealt with a whole batch of other personality issues and mental health challenges. I’ve said before, I thought that I had already found the silver bullet with my issues, but that obviously wasn’t the case. That process only started about four years ago. While it's been an incredible journey and a night and day difference in my personal life and in interpersonal relationships, I know that it doesn't undo that six-year stretch, or all of the calamity before it. And that's tough. 

I simultaneously wish that I could have done it for myself and the people close to me sooner, while also feeling sad about the lack of grace extended by a few others. It's not transactional, but I know that I'm much more patient with others in their time of struggles, so long as it's communicated. That's where I can't really fault them. If I never had the words or introspection to identify it in myself, I will not and cannot blame them for doing the same, or at least in not being able to sharing it with me. 

Still, you can't get time or words back, and there was over a decade of a toxic torrent of my own that can never be un-released. I think a huge first step in mitigating those floodwaters comes in identifying the issues that will make you irritable or curt around others, and it's been amazing to recognize episodes, even when they’re the "good" kind, coming on, and getting a handle on myself before anything negative happens. There's that "twinkle" in the back of your mind, when suddenly you're scream-singing in the car, or your mind's racing, and then fractals of potential projects open up, and that charge hits and now I can... stop and breathe, and realize that this inspiration is beautiful, sure, but then you have to monitor how it carries over to how you treat the people around you. 

Now, it's remarkably clear how irritability and mania go hand-in-hand. Before four years ago, I could have never (and never did) make that connection, and I think everyone around me is now grateful for it. No one wakes up wanting to make things harder for the ones they love. I don't, and never did, but I failed in making myself the person who has a grip on their own shortcomings and doesn't allow that to happen in the first place. I'm remorseful for the friendships and relationships that knew me then that will never know me now, but that's life and moving forward. There will always be regret, but at least there's optimism and love for a future that you never previously considered to be possible. 

An aside, regarding additional things I’ve picked up in my reading and wellness resources:

Attachment styles. For years, I’ve heard the term, but never took the time to understand what they meant and how it could affect interpersonal relationships and mental health (or rather, how not understanding could cause friction). The theory about them describes how people “form emotional bonds and respond to closeness and distance in relationships.” They say that there are four main types: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized/fearful. 

Secure seems the most ideal to strive for, if that’s even possible (deliberately making a choice). You’re comfortable with closeness and trust. Anxious may crave closeness and reassurance, fearing rejection or abandonment. They become preoccupied with the relationship or read too much into small changes or communication. Avoidant tends to value independence and may pull away when relationships feel too emotionally demanding. They appear self-reliant but struggle to share vulnerability or accept support. And finally, disorganized combines anxious and avoidant tendencies. They both seek and fear intimacy, leading to push-pull dynamics in relationships. 

The resource went on to say that this isn’t about labeling yourself, like we all like to do with personality tests or introvert/extrovert quizzes, and it’s in order to help identify and improve your own relationships and self-understanding. Years ago, if I read about these, I think that I would have scoffed and said that I’m easily the “secure” option and that that’s obviously the most optimal. In reality, I know that I sometimes operate under the “disorganized” category. Combining disorganized attachment and years of untreated bipolar disorder absolutely dealt damage in old relationships. Not managing my own push-pull definitely attributed to people feeling the “cold shoulder” and that I was emotionally distant. But as always, I just thought that was the “regular” stress of life. Good going, schmuck. 

I've been sitting on these thoughts for a while, and there are many more interpersonal (and even catty) things I've written in my daily notebook to further expand upon, but for now, I'll leave this as it is. A happier note, relatively speaking, even considering the pain that it took to get here. 

If there's one takeaway, I hope you consider extending that earlier-mentioned grace to others, even if they don't deserve it in the moment. They'll either eventually see what it is that they're doing and improve things for themselves and in your interactions, or they won't. But you'll hopefully be able to identify if it's something they're failing to manage, or something else. Of course, some people just absolutely suck. But at this point, I'm no longer going to default to believing that. I let myself and a bad brain run rampant for the first twenty-something years of my life. I know now that others self-impose their own frustrations and simmer in their own malaise, and that I need to let it work itself out, before I will ever take it personally. 

And to be hopeful that they eventually fucking make sense of it themselves. At some point, it miraculously did just that, even for me.