something about the process

Considering that this month is my birthday, I've decided to take a step back and assess my daily activities as sort of a midyear check-in. A halfway New Year Resolutions review, I guess. Highlight some things that have brought me joy. Spread out the things that I know I still recognize as difficult. Think about things that are good and how I'm working to mitigate the bad. 

In hindsight, I probably should have recognized that this need for self-improvement would have resulted in some more woo-woo topics and even spiritual conversations with myself. Can't say that I had a literal come-to-Jesus moment, and I don't think that I ever will, but I've definitely been paying more attention to the ritual of everyday life, in a positive manner. Organized religion has always (and will likely always) rub me the wrong way. I'm not interested in churches and the like, and anyone who knows my political leanings will probably understand why. But I've stopped dismissing the realm of spirituality as a whole in order to open myself up to new ways of thinkings and learning about others' beliefs. It's been wonderful. 

spirituality 

I don't subscribe to any deities or their existence, but I have really taken to the idea that people, in their belief and in their prayer, can affect change, regardless of whatever it is that they are praying to or meditating on. Even if it's a placebo, even if it's all bullshit, I think there are measurables benefits in having a constant reminder of being a part of something greater. Or something reminding you consistently that you are creative and capable -- even if you're just talking to yourself. So, yes, I've been a big fan of symbols and creating a comfortable environment. 

To that extent... a realization I've had regarding everything from political parties to religious beliefs, to managing employees, to spreading the word about creative projects... people love merch. Period. That's it. You'll see the morons waving flags on their lifted trucks and you'll see novelty shirts advertised on Facebook. You'll see crystal stores in hipster towns and you'll see crowdfunding ventures shoot past their goals because of add-on bonuses, such as stickers or trinkets. We're all goblins at heart. Or for a prettier metaphor, ravens. All wanting to collect the shiny things they deem beautiful. And I will never fault someone for that (except perhaps the flags on trucks... those people can fuck off). 

But those items and gifts have a utility, I think. I read a blurb that blew my mind, saying that the simplest form of magic that everyone has shared is the "spell" of tying a piece of string around your finger in order to remember something. Is that magic? Is that really all it takes to be included in that world? It was a sobering, humbling, and whimsical thought. That's how I now view these items that I would have previously regarded as junk. Those crystals in the window, or that marble crucifix on an old lady's wall... those (hopefully) remind them of something else, something important to them. And even if they never discuss it with someone else, I hope that they continue on being empowered and feeling joyful whenever they see or touch them. 

self-improvement 

Although the idea of spiritual merch is very fun, I've been tackling the trickier sides of this process just as hard. I don't have trinkets to commemorate milestones with (although that's not quite true)... but I have been reaping the rewards of The Work in every aspect of my life. I never go longer than two weeks without a session with my psychiatrist or my therapist, and schedule more when we feel we've hit a stride on certain topics (...or if we've faced difficulty in one). On the good months it can sometimes feel unnecessary, but when things are tough, it's a welcome reprieve. It's like exercise. It might suck during the process, but you feel a lot better after. 

Having the same therapist for over two years now is a blessing. She (obviously) has kept notes from that first meeting and can highlight where I've taken different approaches to things, what I have grown from, and hopefully spot any bad habits that could potentially ever creep in. It keeps me honest with myself, which has been easy. It wasn't always. Living with the various mental illnesses that I've now defined and recognizing "bad days" is an objective exercise now, like checking the weather. I simply cannot believe, however, that I went through life untreated. Or, (and they roll their eyes when I say this) raw-dogging life. 

There's also been a load of personal reading on the subject, some very helpful and others not so much. But I'm a firm believer that there is a lot to be taken from any reading, and that includes the terrible shit. 

I can highlight when I feel stifled and smothered in interactions and where those feelings would have previously resulted in me lashing out in frustration and shutting down. Blocking others out without explanation, not being active in things that are affecting them. It's still not pleasant, but it's much easier to be able to define a sensory fit, an obsessive-compulsive spiral, or manic depressiveness, than having no language to describe it and instead thinking that it was the people around you causing it. Or worse, that that was just how life was supposed to be and you were stuck tolerating it. 

personal + creative

If you've read any of the other entries here (or those on my public page), you'll know how much joy it brings me to go on my adventures, and especially through this process, doing so armed with a strong, loving relationship. For that, too, I am incredibly blessed. I know for a fact that doing all of this work has helped to lay a solid foundation for all of my personal relationships, and my most important one. They've all taken on new meanings and exist as their own important pieces of a greater, larger picture. Being able to build that, while actually looking forward to the future, was a concept foreign to me. If I had not begun this, the cycle of self-hate and self-sabotage would have inevitably gone on forever. But I don't have to worry about that, and hopefully never again will.

Beyond that, the future isn't something that I'm just facerolling through, either. I've taken the time to course out and map my next six months and the next year for creative projects and collaborations that have been brewing for quite some time. Calling back to an earlier post, flying by the seat of your pants has its time in the sun, but I'm over that, for now. I like having plans. Maybe that's growth. Maybe that's just avoiding tension migraines. Maybe that's both. 

giving back

Last winter, I began looking up ways to volunteer my time, ideally involving something with writing or speaking English. A few Google searches later allowed me to find an organization around me that helps teach English to immigrants in our country. I was excited that it was so close, but very upfront that I wasn't a teacher and hadn't any such credentials. They said that was fine, they just need someone patient and eager. "Well, hell, I'm those things," I thought. 

It's been a blast. Earlier this month, my mentor, an adorable older lady who is much louder than me, had a big get-together at her house. She invited some of her former (and my current) students. Oh, that's right. I have my own class of students now after mentoring under the aforementioned bombastic grandmotherly figure. We had a townhouse full of people from the States, from Ukraine, China, Vietnam, the Dominican Republic, and more... and at one point, I mentioned to my mentor's sister (and her spitting image) who had just moved here from Texas, how wild it was to think of all of the stories that led to everyone in this room being here right now. Thinking back, it's humbling to consider that that also includes me. 

My newly minted surrogate grandpa from Ukraine, an 80-something-year-old man in high socks and a polo shirt, spent the party correcting himself with translations (on his 40 point-font cellphone) of his favorite dad jokes. He did the same thing when I met him at a picnic earlier in the summer. As far as I can tell, we're best friends. 

summary

I have an incredible partner in my girlfriend, who loves me and I her. I have incredible friends, both near and far, who love me. My family loves me. My students and mentor love me, even if my pronunciation is sometimes worse than theirs (I'm from New Jersey, give me a break). I have colleagues and staff members who say they love working with or for me. I have accomplished a lot. I'm proud of what I've created or helped to. And I'm excited for the stuff that's still coming down the line. 

I am doing pretty alright. 

Some of my routines:

Daily reading: the daily stoic, the daily book of pagan prayer, daily rituals

For shit that's wrong with our brains: unfuck, heal

For getting prepared: one, two

At least a half hour of free weights or a half hour on the bike, every night. 

At least one session of Duolingo, every night.

Lighting incense and/or a candle and concentrating on only two things: peace (for myself) and prosperity (for my loved ones). Will perhaps elaborate on this at a later time. For me, these two words stand for much more than they imply.