for whom the baja blasts

On this page, I do think there was a sense of finality in that last post in December. It was not designed to go dormant or anything like that, but I had set out to do a year of monthly posts focusing on my experiences with therapy, my past, recovery, and learning through a diagnosis. I think I let some of the technical matters fall to the wayside a bit but do think the meat of it was there. It was odd balancing learning and therapy and deciding what I wanted to actually share. The process, obviously, is just for me. It was not an experience to be entirely broadcasted. But I felt the need to throw some words out there, in case anyone could relate or learn something or avoid the same mistakes I have made. Safeguard against the same pain I had self-inflicted, created, and caused for others. I do think there's a utility there. But I kept (and will always keep) some things for myself.  So where does that leave us now? 

For better or worse, I know that I can truly commit to something, at least on a small scale. There are things I know about myself and habits that I form that become just another part of my daily life. For instance, I know that Duolingo will be completed (day 2500-something currently) and I know that I will start every day with my daily wisdom and spiritual readings, and then my financial newsletter. These things will not change. But it's unfortunately taken me way too long in life to commit myself to things that are better for myself and those around me, on a larger scale. In this whole process, I've been focusing on creating those habits and making those thoughts and feelings becoming second nature - becoming real and a part of me - throughout it all. I’m going to recap this last year of thought and versions of trust that I’ve found and will continue to work towards protecting.

Since writing about my experiences with our creative work , I've been thinking about a lot of the people we interacted with over the years. As always, this doesn't apply to the friendships we've made that will last a lifetime, but rather that vague, nebulous, and anonymous world out there, that is always trying to get in. 

This has been a topic on my mind for almost as long as I've been maintaining this blog, but I hadn't dedicated as much concentrated thought on it. Having had the time and discussing it a bit in therapy, I think I have some slightly better words for how I am feeling on it. This goes for any endeavor you are undertaking, but I have been thinking about the expectations you should set for yourself, and healing and doing the work at your own pace. 

These posts aren't meant to be bulletproof pieces of advice, merely explanations of how I've come to conclusions about certain things and why  I'd might give certain advice. Sometimes the stories that led up to certain outlooks can appear as a series of setbacks culminating in giving up, but I'm not sure that's always accurate. I see it more as protecting one's peace and oneself. The easy way shouldn't be the default, but sometimes avoiding unnecessary suffering is the best option. Especially when you've had your share of needless suffering, both brought on by others and dealt to others by your own actions. At its core, this text involves struggling under the weight of others' own ruminations and simply choosing not to engage with it. It involves the mixed feelings and the hurt in realising that people that you thought knew you and how you operate have an entirely different image of how you think and feel. And act.  Generally, I write these thoughts ...

Considering that this month is my birthday, I've decided to take a step back and assess my daily activities as sort of a midyear check-in. A halfway New Year Resolutions review, I guess. Highlight some things that have brought me joy. Spread out the things that I know I still recognize as difficult. Think about things that are good and how I'm working to mitigate the bad. 

This is going to be a bit rambling, but I promise the thoughts eventually come around. I feel that they occurred around the same time and are staying together for a reason. I believe that they do have the same DNA. Let's see.