for whom the baja blasts

For a long time, being asked about what I wanted in a relationship was something that only ever came up in a moment of tension. It tended to be on the tail-end of a relationship, where we were realizing that things were not working out for whatever reason, with it usually being (but not always) my fault. When these moments happened later in my life, they tended to be less dramatic. There was a level of maturity there, an understanding that this was not working out and that separating was likely the most straightforward solution. When it's mutual, it seems that it's a lot easier, but I'm not sure that's the proper word. A lot more frictionless, maybe. Smoother. Some people are just not compatible, and they go their separate ways. Some of these former relationships go on to become friends, some even "lifetime" friends. But it's always an odd situation to find oneself in where the amicable, obvious solution is separation, but one or both of the couple are rel...

This year has already brought a lot of clarity. As always, these thoughts will be dealing with both the good and bad sides of such realizations. This one in particular has to do with memory. 

There's been so much said about holding onto grudges being poison for both parties or for couples to never go to bed angry. Tired cliches, you know the deal. There is truth in these, of course, but over the years and in this process of mine, I've realized something that I had never considered. Or at least hadn't given the proper amount of thought. I guess that's the beauty of talking to a professional. They broadside you with realizations.  Forgiveness and reconciliation should always be the objective in matters between two people who care about one another, but seeking it prematurely can lead to even worse off results in the long run.

As with anything written here, this will very much be a scenario in which it's up to you to decide who, when, and where this could be relevant for you, if at all. I'm not one for maintaining a "customer service" voice or affect, but this particular realization likely isn't needed for the people you are very close with and may only be relevant when donning such a hat. 

I've come to call it "the gambler's itch," though I'm not sure that's appropriate for everyone. It's the first impulse to do something seeking a shot of chemical reward, or the creeping onset of a manic episode. It's winning a small amount of money on the one time you gamble on a big sports game and believe, even if only for a moment, that you could easily recreate that success given the chance. It's the afterglow of a first drink at a party, lying to yourself that you are content and don't need much more.  Just to reiterate, or let you know for the first time, as of about two years ago, I was diagnosed as bipolar two and have presumably been living with it since my teens. Perhaps I'll get into it later on, or in later posts, but in reflection and treatment since then, had I known that it both existed and what constituted it, there were plenty of red flags that maybe I would have taken notice of back then. Probably not, twenty-year-olds thi...

What is this? I've done some thinking on the matter and realized that there currently isn't a place that I have out there to publicly write about some of the softer skills and lessons I've learned in life. These posts won't be treatises about current events or politics or any of that bullshit, but rather some stream of consciousness about significant, although not necessarily major, events in my life that have made me think or feel something special.  There's been a lot of things that I've been contemplating since starting my journey handling mental health and interpersonal issues that I think might be able to help someone else along their way. Or maybe just entertain. Or disgust. There's a shared belief out there that, at this point, there is no such thing as a unique human experience, and that there is always someone out that who can relate entirely to what someone else is dealing with or has gone through. I will not challenge that notion and hope to possi...